Temporary TCKid Home

The last post was My 10 advantages of growing up in another culture. This week it is about the disadvantages of growing up in another culture. I do think the advantages definitely outweigh the disadvantages but the are real challenges when you grow up cross-culturally and when you relocate as a child many times, like my family did when I was growing up. In this blog post you can read how many times I moved as a child. Here are my tips when moving with kids.

So here are my 10 disadvantages:

1. Having had to move often.
2. Saying “good-bye” many times. I remember my parents used to tell friends and family that they preferred everyone to say “hello” to us and welcome us back to Holland at Schiphol international airport than that they would wave us goodbye. Maybe they found saying “good-bye” difficult too?
3. Being far away from family and friends. I found this great blog post by Libby Stephens Grandparenting over the seas. Some good advice, worth reading. I grew in the age before email and skype. Communicating is a lot easier these days.
4. Not knowing where “home” is.
5. Not knowing the geography of my passport country. I never had geography of the Netherlands. When I had geography in Zimbabwe it was mainly “African” geography.
6. Not knowing certain popular TV shows, songs etc.
7. Having a kind of restlessness. I need new challenges and changes. I even find it difficult spend time at home during a holiday period.
8. Preferring not to change my email address or telephone number if it is not absolutely necessary. In this I prefer to keep the same email address for ever if possible.Making it easier to stay in contact with old acquaintances?
9. I have some language difficulty (with Dutch), I attended international and local schools, this was all in English. We had some extra Dutch lessons but I don’t feel very confident in writing Dutch.
10. Not knowing all the Dutch sayings.

On the internet I came across The 10 Lifestyle habits of third culture kids. It gives insight into the life lived by third culture kids and the kind of baggage you are left with as a result of you experiences.

I don’t think the list of disadvantages is complete but for now it is fine like this. What disadvantages do you experience or did you experience? (photo by Anita Patterson Morgue file)

If you want to read more visit my blog: DrieCulturen. You can follow me on twitter too: @DrieCulturen

From my experiences there are great benefits of being a CCK. A global awareness, an uncanny ability to accept and relate to those who are ‘different’, an ability to see through prejudice.

Yet at the same time there is often a case where a CCK/TCK/MK whatever K, hides the pain they have within. This can often be that experience has told them that when they share difficult experiences with others they do not understand the pain and difficulties they have been through. Whether it be parents struggling to adjust themselves or the oblivious people around them, the K’s bottle up the pain.

This can mean that as the pain is hidden and repressed, it finds another way to express itself but as it has not been fully dealt with and expressed or mourned, it continues to do its damage.  Such hidden pain can lead to feelings of depression, lack of self worth, anxiety, phobias, jealousy, hatred and worse depending on the person. The frustrations within constantly bubble up whether it be through feelings of wanting to run away from the current circumstances, fears of making friendships or mingling with others, fear of not being good enough or not being accepted. Part of this can be the natural part of integrating into another culture but when they constantly persist and become a driving force which drives us in our adulthood it can mean that such frustrations control us. It can mean we never let ourselves accept those around us and we feel the need to constantly move on and not have to make deeper relationships as deeper relationships mean showing others the pain within and we have ‘learned’ from experience that NOBODY is able to understand our pain.

Hidden pain can affect us physically too. It often shows itself through anxiety disorders, irritable bowel and possibly even allergies. For some of us we do not even know that we are holding the pain within. All we feel is the frustration it causes, the sudden feelings of depression it can produce and the churning in our stomach when we are faced with certain everyday circumstances we feel are out of our control.

It sounds depressing doesn’t it? But the thing is for me and many others it is the truth. It has taken me years to understand and work through some of these things because I have been unaware that I have repressed the pain. Times when I want to cry but I am physically unable to. Times when I have wanted a girlfriend but  feel that i will be rejected if I ask or that it is not worth attempting as I will probably move on and I dont want to deal with the pain.

 

The biggest change for me was realising where the pain was, learning to express it and put it into words. I learned to do that through music, through writing, through drawing, through a number of different ways. Little did I know as an adult K I would experience the whole thing again.

Over three years ago my wife (who is not a K) decided that after 14 years of marriage, did not love me anymore. It is only now that I feel i can write about it without it being too painful. To cut a long story short I will not deal with how she treated me  or how she found a boyfriend etc. but  rather what the experience meant to me. Once again I found myself going through pain. Perhaps this pain is a little different to K pain as many people relate to it. Somehow, I needed to express the pain for a number of reasons.

The first reason is so that I did not take my frustrations on my wife. How would she ever know that she was wrong in what she was doing if I treated her badly?  Just because she was rejecting me and treating me badly, did not give me permission to do the same. What message would that give the children? First and foremost I had to retain my own dignity and sense of worth.

 

At times the pain of rejection feels unbearable. You find yourself mourning so many things. You mourn the past you had together, the loss of the wife you love to her own frustrations, the loss of her family who believe the lies told about you, the loss of the house you spent many years renovating. The bitter words and accusations however unjustified still seem to stick and somehow you need to wash them off. You find yourself alone, miles away from the family of your childhood.

I thank God for providing one or two people who stuck to me like glue through this time and were there to listen to my frustrations and my pain. Where would I be if I had not been able to turn to my Bible and learn to deal with the situations and the pain? Or to a blog or advice on the internet? I learned to understand and express the pain within.

 

After all, just like being a K, the last thing i needed was to take my past and let it rule the relationships of my future. However much I wanted to deal with them on my own I needed the support of others. I needed to talk to people who could listen without judging, who could advise without condemning.

Sure there is still some pain there, but it is pain I can express now rather than hold within. I have learned to let those experiences build me up and strengthen me in the right way rather than strengthen my phobias and fears.

 

So as a fellow K, I advise you try and understand your pains and learn to express them in some way. If you do not they will find a way of expressing themselves without your permission, usually in a very negative fashion. TCKid is a great way of understanding your pain, and expressing it but find other helpful ways too.

 

A-CCK-Wochenende <> 24.-26. Feb. 2012

 

in Riederau am Ammersee

 

Was macht dich aus?

Was treibt dich an?

-          Wie passt das zusammen –

 

Worum geht’s?

Kreativ-Wochenende für erwachsene Cross Cultural Kids. Erlebnisse austauschen,  voneinander lernen, sich selbst entdecken, Menschen mit gleichen Erfahrungen treffen.

Wer ist der Veranstalter?

Jochen und Christine Schuppener waren selbst mit ihren 3 Kindern 8 Jahre im Ausland. Als psychologische und interkulturelle Berater unterstützen sie vor allem Rückkehrer aus dem Ausland bei der Reintegration.

www.jochen-schuppener.de

Andreas Radlingmayr ist CCK und angehender Kinderarzt, Mitarbeiter bei MK-Care in der Organisation von Freizeiten für erwachsene CCKs

www.mk-care.org

Du selbst, wenn Du kommst und mitredest ….

Wie ist der Ablauf?

Wir treffen uns am Freitagabend zum gemütlichen Abendessen und Austausch. Samstag beschäftigen wir uns interaktiv und kreativ mit unserem Lebensmuster. Dazu gibt es Erfahrungsberichte, Filme und Input. Wir enden am Sonntagmittag nach einem gemeinsamen Brunch, gegen 11:00 Uhr.

Was kostet das?

Der Unkostenbeitrag beträgt 109,- Euro (inklusive VP u. Mwst.), bei Anmeldung bis 14. Okt. 2011; danach 129,- €.

Interesse? Dann setze dich einfach mit uns in Verbindung.

 

 

Jochen & Christine Schuppener

Interkultureller Berater M.A. & Team Management Systemsâ„¢ Berater

Staatlich lizenzierter Auswandererberater (AusWG)

Psychologische Beraterin & Personal Coach

Diplom ILS

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Abraham-Straus-Str. 38

86916 Kaufering

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Tel 08191 – 4017 534

Mobil 0160-7981 880

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info@brueckenbauen.com

www.brueckenbauen.com

Skype: brueckenbauen.com1

 

 

 

 

 

I have been a TCKid for a number of years now. I do not always reply to discussions but usually read them, much like facebook I suppose. I do not have the need to put all the nitty gritty of the days activities on the internet for everyone to peruse. Yet I have noticed that there are many that join TCKid and perhaps post once or twice, even join a group and we never hear from them again.

my.tckid does not seem to be as well used as it could be but I think it still plays a vital role. For many TCKS it is enough to know that they are normal to have issues and this allows them to feel confident about being different. For others times of intense conversation and discussions help to air issues they are struggling with and then they are able to move on in life. Others like to blog and discuss things on an ongoing basis.

Each person’s needs and uses of this site differ yet for its value as a tool to healing and self discovery, it has proved to be such a blessing to many.  I thank God for resources such as this on the internet that have changed and saved lives over the years.

I discovered the term TCK when I was feeling depressed and browsing the internet. One of the best things I have done, my discovery of people who might feel as lonely and confused as I do was relieving.

I still have a moment of feeling depressed most days but I am learning that my upbringing was unique and special and one that I should be proud of and not regretfull. Having friends all over the world is pretty awesome after all.

So I have decided to live in hope.

Thanks TCKID 😀 x

I find airports to be very bittersweet. Airports are wonderful places when you are arriving to say hello to those you have missed. Returning back to your family, relatives, friends. Those times makes me love arriving at the airport. The bitter part is the leaving from an airport. When I have to leave family and friends, I do not like arriving at the airport to have to say goodbye. It tends to end in tears. I remember one time leaving my parents, when I was going to college that I managed not to shed a tear. It was welled up in my throat ready to burst but I stayed “strong” and managed to not cry as I said goodbye, not cry as the plane lifted off the ground. Another time more recently I moved from the USA to Japan and had to say goodbye to my sister. After having done so much together this past five years, it was going to be a hard goodbye. But I managed to again not cry. Not even on the plane. Later I thought about it and wondered if that was such a good thing. My sister also managed to not cry. I got a voice message from her later, and she was in the car crying. I felt really bad then because it was hard on her to say goodbye because now she is the only one of our family still in the States. It almost felt like I was ditching her. I know that is not the case, but anyways I was wondering “Why did I not cry?” Is it so wrong to shed a tear. It would have expressed to her that I was also having a hard time saying goodbye. We both knew and had talked before about it. So it makes sense why not. I just did not feel completely right that I stayed so strong. It helped to get through the airport and makes the crying later more private then when going through the security points and all.

 

I love to travel and go to new places and I am glad I do not let the pain of going through airports and planes stop me but I can see why it could deter others from wanting to make a trip. Prices are rising, the baggage allowance is getting worse. But I would hate to miss the world around me. I want to see places. I may have to take my time as I need to work and save up some money.

 

I wrote a new discussion on the forum page about airport stories. This was an add on but felt it kinda went off on a rabbit trail in a different aspect of airports. So at the forum you can tell your airport stories!! Would love to hear them! Also comments here would be nice as well!

 

              All of us write about the dreaded question asked of us so many times. I am going to term it “WAYF?” (Where Are You From?) You know that every time you go to some event, some new group, some new job that WAYF? will inevitably come into question. I ask to myself “Would there ever be a chance that question does not get asked?” I only wish. It would be easy to say one place, and make it the one place that everyone else is from so as to not be of any notice. Yet I feel that I cheat myself of the possibility of being accepted as I am….no criticism, no strange awe towards me. Yet I feel that if I were to explain where I am from in the long version, which always entails in questions afterwards I get more attention and “awe” than the others. By that happening, I feel that I have cheapened the rest of the groups experience because no one seemed interested in where they were from as it was a “normal, common” place that most of the others were from or that many knew of. So it’s the debate between explaining where I am from and get the attention from everyone and “bask” in the attention unasked for. Or say as little as possible and get no attention but yet have cheated myself out of seeing if this group would be different. Am I the only one that feels this way?

              It is not that I am opposed to answering that question. But I always feel such a conflict of emotion within me. My mind starts spinning as to how to word everything and yet try to make it as uninteresting as possible, in hope that they will move on to the next person without asking me extra questions and giving me “special” attention. I wonder what it feels like to not experience the confusion when asked that question.

              It also does not mean that I am not proud of my background. I am very glad of where I come from, where I have lived and travelled and what I have experienced. I find that my experiences have made many a layer of my life. It is complex. Every person, whether they come from one place and have lived there their whole life or have lived in more then one country, or whatever their story is, are complex. Everyone has a fascinating story to tell. They might not think so, but I always want to know others stories. I want to ask those that have lived in one place all their lives how it is to live in that environment. Curious, because I do not know how that feels to a certain extent. I want to know their town`s history, the daily routine, the funny stories. What are the roots of the place. What did they like about their town and what did they not like in their town. Not once did one of my questions involve “Do you speak the language?”.

              Let me explain. I have found that when I answer the question WAYF?, what seems to be the next sequence in events is the question asked “Do you speak the language?” It may only be me and that I am taking it the wrong way, but I have experienced this time and time again, that when I am asked the language question, it seems that the language defines and determines that I am from somewhere or not. That is what it seems to me. That they are only interested in that fact and that language is the only cool thing that can come from the culture you grew up in that was not your own. Whether I do speak the language, speak it a little or not at all should not be the only basis and only interesting fact. There is a lot more to a country, and the culture that you incorporated into your life than just language.

I wish they would ask me more questions. What happens is they ask that one question, get their answer and very few times have I seen continuing interest. In the world of many variables of communication, we have lost the art of communication. It`s ironic. I feel we have lost the art of asking questions. Inquiring after each other more then just “How was your day, how was work, etc.” A lot of people do not expect you to go into an explanation more then “I am fine, I am okay, etc.” I could go on about this but I suppose that is another whole blog in itself.

I do not know if any of this makes sense but it would be great to hear from others what they think about what I wrote or am I alone in this thinking. Does the language bit I wrote about make any sense? Does it bother others too when that seems the only question they want to know about the countries that have been a part of you at some point in time? It does not always happen that that is the only thing they ask or seem to want to know, but I have noticed and experienced a lot of it, to find it generally true. And it does not mean they are not interested in more but I perceive it as such, and wish we all would know how to communicate more in depth and show others that we care about their story and vise versa.

Few questions are as problematic as, where are you from? For me, this question would immediately be met with a dart of the eye or a notable pause in the conversation. Regardless of what answer I give, more questions would invariably surface about my background – not that I have anything against being interrogated like a racially-profiled passenger in a customs line-up. It’s just that my ethnic roots are a bit more complex than most people are used to and it simply takes more time to explain.

 

As a Philippine-born Chinese immigrant to Canada, when I’m asked the question, “Where are you from?” there seems to be an assumption on the part of the inquirer as to what my response ought to be. Being ethnically Chinese with East Asian features, the expectation would be that I came from China, Taiwan or Hong Kong. Though my ancestors did come from China, it wouldn’t be true to say that I was from China. And if I were to say that I was from the Philippines, the reaction I usually get would be something along the lines of “Oh, I thought you were Chinese” – which is not exactly false either.

 

Even more problematic is if I were to say that I was from Canada. Having grown up here – the place I have lived, worked, and spent my formative years in for the past decade – it is not too much of a stretch if I were to declare that I was from Canada. This is where I live now, where I’ve built my life and where I feel a certain sense of attachment. And yet there it is – am I from Canada? From being the operative word, Dictionary.com defines it as: used to specify a starting point in spatial movement or used to indicate source or origin. Clearly from this definition, I don’t particularly qualify to say that I’m from Canada, unless I ignore the earlier part of my life, erase my origins and start from when I first moved to Canada. Isn’t that what immigrants do? They come to Canada for a new beginning – to reboot from zero base and start anew.

 

Deleting the earlier part of my life, however, would be like denying my very own existence. We are who we become because of our past. Though many immigrants come here with the mindset of starting life anew, there is still that lingering desire to go back to the place we left, to who we once were. The attempt to mimic the lifestyle from “back home” is evident by the scores of ethnic grocery stores, restaurants and cultural centres found throughout the city.

 

To reconcile the problematic question of spatial origins, I usually end up introducing myself as Filipino-Chinese-Canadian. That sums up “where I’m from” in three short words. Although these three words do not define me as a person, it’s evident in our society that where we come from is an important, if not an integral, part of our identity.

 

My story may not be unique to other Canadian immigrants. It’s entirely conceivable that there are people out there who have an even more complicated story than I do, with more hyphens. On the other hand, some may argue that the need for the hyphenation is unnecessary for Canadians. With Canada being a multicultural society, it is assumed that there will be Canadians who have diverse backgrounds. But it is the individual stories of our origins that come together to make up our society, which shapes and defines what it means to be Canadian. To me, the hyphenation is as unique to the individual as it is to the Canadian identity.

 

And this is coming from a self-confessed hyphenated individual.

 

*This was taken from a column I wrote for the Source newspaper in Vancouver. www.thelasource.com

Everyone has their story. Here’s mine.

I was born in Philippines. At 5 years old, my family moved to Brunei. Soon after Brunei, my family moved to Canada. I was out of my passport country for a total 10 years. We then moved back to Philippines where I completed my college degree.

I never felt I truly belonged in my passport country. So I moved abroad to U.S., where I received my MBA degree. I now understand why my 3 years in the U.S. felt so magical to me – why no other experience in my life can compare. It was because my group of friends were all international and we all felt that we belong. We were all the same and we had our own world – I also understood now why it was so hard for the locals to fit in our group.

I decided to move back to Canada after U.S.. I was excited when I touch-based in Vancouver, meeting an old childhood friend. For the first few months, I felt like this is it. This is my home. After a year of being back to Canada, I’ve been analyzing how I was meeting people and how I introduced myself and such. I always said Ft McMurray to avoid confusion, if I said Philippines, “They would say, that’s odd, you don’t have an accent at all, etc.” For awhile, I would even say, U.S., Oregon, because it was the last place I lived in.  The locals accepted me, they like me, but that’s because I’m a TCK. I easily fit into other cultures. But deep inside of me, I didn’t feel like I truly belong. And in the long run, will I be able to really build relationships with the locals? It’ll be just like Philippines, I have close friends, but I never felt like I really connected with them.

 

I feel like, I’ll never find my group again. My international friends from my time in the U.S. is gone – we all went back to our home countries. Where am I supposed to be? I want to settle now, but I don’t know where I truly belong. Philippines or Canada? Neither. Nor.

 

This is my ATCK story.

TCKid will host a LIVE and ONLINE broadcast of the the panel discussions for the First TCK Film Screenings.

Coordinated by Alaine Handa’s Dance Company, the First TCK Film Screenings and Panel Discussion will be held at No One Writes to the Colonel, 460 College Street, Toronto, Ontario, Canada, on Saturday, July 9, 2011 4:00-7:00pm Eastern Time.

Can’t make it to Toronto? No worries! TCKid has two ways you can attend and participate in the event.

Here’s how:

1) Log on to your My.TCKid account. If you or your loved ones are not yet members, please register at http://my.tckid.com before the event. Once you are registered and logged in, you can click on the Ustream tab on the left-hand side of your screen. You may then check into the Social Stream using your Ustream, Twitter, or Facebook account. You are now ready to watch the livestream and connect with TCKs all over the world!

Once the event is finished, we invite everyone to participate in more discussions on the My.TCKid chat room and forums, as well as network with over 1,300 TCKs based all over the world.

2) Visit TCKid’s Ustream channel at http://www.ustream.tv/channel/tckid . You may then check into the Social Stream using your Ustream, Twitter, or Facebook account. You are now ready to watch the livestream and connect with TCKs all over the world!

You will be invited to participate in the panel discussion by sharing your questions with the chat moderators. Our volunteers in Toronto will then share your questions with the panel, who you can “meet” on the live stream.

We are so excited about this event, and we hope you can be there! Three quality films showcasing issues closest to our hearts will be shown, and you have the unique opportunity to meet with the filmmakers who made these films possible.

See you on Saturday!